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There is nothing definite about what I post. I'll post anything from fanfiction to poetry to stamps to essays. I'm a very varied poster.

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My inbox doesn't usually look like a hellhole, but sometimes I get tired of saying thank you to every positive comment I get.

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Do not read if you're having a good day

Journal Entry: Sat Mar 21, 2015, 7:35 PM


I hope you paid attention to the title of this journal. Be forewarned that this is EXTREMELY heavy news and may be hard to take in all at once.

If you've braced yourself, then read on.


This update is long overdue and I'm sure some people were wondering why I haven't been posting anything when I announced my return some time back. Well, here's what's been going on.

Back in February, we had a terrible situation. Black began coughing up blood from his lungs again. I say again because this has happened before, but when it does happen, it's very serious. So I called the paramedics and they transported him to our hospital. That same day, I called my mom to come be with me, since the situation was getting bad. The hospital in our village couldn't do much for him, as they're a very small hospital without too many resources. So they air lifted him by helicopter to another, more advanced hospital in Ottawa. They placed him in ICU and started looking at solutions to stop this and try and keep it from happening again. Since Black's heart is so fragile, they had decided to transport him to another place a few days later, the Heart Institute. There were specialists who deal with the heart and may be able to handle Black's care much better. 

(I'll also briefly say that this has been the first time during the whole time he's been here and since we've been married that we had to be apart.)

There was a point when he was in ICU that I almost lost him. He coughed up so much blood and almost died from it. I called out of work and my mom and I sat around waiting to hear back from ICU to say if he was out of danger. When we did get the word, we raced over there to see him.

Fast forward a bit more to him being at the HI. He really wasn't getting any better and the coughing continued to worsen. The doctors tried putting coils around his arteries to keep blood from going into his lungs, but it didn't help much at all. The day right before our wedding anniversary, February 19, I got a call while I was at work. The doctors said that they had another option - a surgery. It would involve putting a stint around his lungs, which would block the blood from going into his lungs and keep him from coughing up blood. But it wasn't guaranteed to work and there were chances he wouldn't wake up or become paralyzed from the waist down from the surgery. We both said no. It was too short notice and we really hated the risks. 

The next day was our wedding anniversary, February 20. My boss allowed me to leave work early so I could go and spend more time with him. It was suppose to be a happy day for us. Instead, we spent it in the hospital. All we could do was talk. And so could the doctors.

The doctors had a lot to say. They explained to us the risk of NOT having the surgery. If the coughing continued (and it was going to, possibly once a year), it could get serious enough to send Black into cardiac arrest and kill him. His life expectancy wasn't going to be decades. If he had the surgery, it would give him more life and open a new door for Black - he could be eligible for a heart transplant. But there was still the risks to consider. 

In a nutshell, we were basically told he could die without the surgery and with the surgery, we had to put him through the risk of being paralyzed or not waking up at all. On our wedding anniversary. Needless to say, this was our first one and I hope that's going to be our worst one.

After much discussion, Black decided to have the surgery. I really didn't like the idea at all, but I couldn't tell my own husband what he can and can't do with his body. 

Monday, February 23. I had asked the doctors to give me a note to excuse me from work for two weeks. After all that I had heard, I couldn't be around my residents and try and keep a happy face. This day, my mom and I were at the hospital and waiting for him to come out of surgery. And so was someone else - Black's father, who had flown all the way from England to see him. After many hours of waiting and operation, he successfully woke up alright. We went to see him, but I had to note his stats. His blood oxygen wasn't too great, so they had him on oxygen. His blood pressure was low and his heart rate was high. We stayed with him a little while longer and then my mom and I left, happy. I had figured all that was left was for him to recover from the surgery and then he was free to finally come home. 

I had my phone on vibrate, so I had missed a call and text from my father in law. I didn't see it until we got home and I checked it hours later. I quickly called the hospital and my worst fears were confirmed. I had almost lost Black again. His blood pressure dropped so low to dangerous levels and his heart rate was too high. They pumped him with so much medicine to try and fix these, but...

Just hours after the surgery...which we thought was a complete success without any worry of the risks...Black's legs stopped moving.

The low blood pressure had damaged a tissue in his spinal cord around the middle and caused him to have no feeling at all from the stomach down. They had tried to mend the problem, but nothing worked. One of the risks we were so afraid of from the surgery came true.

They kept him in the ICU, since the low blood pressure had also affected his brain. He was babbling incoherently and saying things that made no sense. He recognized who I was, but he had no memory of marrying me (he proposed to me twice). The doctors said that this was temporary, thankfully. But the spinal cord injury...the doctors said it was very doubtful he would ever walk again.

I can't even begin to describe just how much pain I felt from all this. 

They moved him back to the HI, but it wasn't a place he could stay at now with this new problem. That was when another doctor visited us and told us about the rehab center. Both of us were already devastated by how long he had been in the hospital for and didn't want him to go to rehab. But after the doctor spoke and my mom put in her two cents, Black finally agreed. I wasn't happy about it and I'm still not. 

But that is where he is right now. Trying to learn how to adapt to being in a wheelchair and take care of himself.

The silver lining is that I do NOT believe the doctors at all when they said it's unlikely he'll ever walk again. Black is gaining feeling back in jolts in his legs and I even scratched under his foot at one point and I saw his whole leg twitch. I firmly believe he'll gain his legs back. It may take a long time, but I'll believe in a miracle happening for him.

However, while he's contending with that? I have my own problem to handle: Black's hospital bills. I don't have coverage for him and he's not covered by our province health plan. I'm fighting right now to get coverage for him because I cannot pay these bills. They're totaling over $90,000 and there's still more to come. But the people I've been dealing with have been extremely unhelpful, so I finally resorted to contacting our member of parliament. I think we finally got the break we needed, because they understood our situation and said they knew what we needed to get his coverage. THANK ARCEUS.

It's been almost two months now since Black went into the hospital and they're talking about not releasing him until May 19. I'm hoping so hard for a miracle to happen and he could come home sooner. If not, I'm hoping to get him a place at my work. Although I do work in a retirement home, we did take in a rehab patient who was 20 years old and saw to his recovery. I'm hoping we can do it again for Black. It would be so much more beneficial for us. I could see him every day and spend the night with him, he'd have his own room, there's on site physiotherapy, exercise offered for free, caretakers and people I know who would take care of him, etc.

This has been the absolute worst time of my life. Worse than 2010. I can't express how I feel at all. It's agonizing, painful, terrifying, harsh and a lot to shoulder. I have no motivation to do anything. Even video games don't help because I'm not doing it with Black. Everything I loved to do with him has no meaning when I'm on my own. 

I think it goes without saying that I can't do any writing either.

Now just to make this clear, I'm not asking for anything. I just need support and prayers for us both. This has been a long, harsh road and we don't have a clear end in sight. Staying strong...a person can only do it for so long. 

I just want him to come home.

  • Mood: Agony
  • Listening to: Trisha's Lullaby - FMA Brotherhood
  • Reading: An e-mail
  • Watching: AVGN
  • Playing: Tomodachi Life
  • Eating: Cake that my mom made

Journal History


ShadowStarEXE's Profile Picture
White Christie


Hiya! Welcome to my page of fanfiction and other weird and wonderful things!

My name's White. That's all you're getting for identity. I'm just a weird twenty-some woman who puts up with old people's crap during the day and saves the world by night.

I'm not an artist. I don't draw. My art is really my words. I'm a writer of some renown, especially with Pokemon. However, I do dabble in almost everything I've ever played.

I'm a HUGE video game fan. My husband and I own a total of six different game consoles and three handhelds. We currently own a Nintendo 64, Gamecube with a Gameboy Player, Wii, XBox 360, PS3 and Atari 2600. Our choice of games include, but are NOT limited to Pokemon, Mario, Sonic, Zelda, Castlevania, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, BlazBlue, Lollipop Chainsaw, Left 4 Dead, (some) Resident Evil, Portal, Tetris, Super Smash Bros, Kirby, Wario games, Fire Emblem, Star Fox, MadWorld, World Ends With You, Mega Man, James Bond, Diddy Kong Racing, Catherine and too many more to list.

And yes, I'm happily married. My husband is regiinator. We've been married since February 20, 2014.

My likes: food, sleep, working, music, writing, studying how to be an IT Tech, role playing with my husband, goofing off with our friends, gaming, collecting plushies and other game memorabilia, seeing that my writing makes people happy, inspiring people, staying positive and chasing my dreams.

My dislikes: PEOPLE, people who try and drag me down, people who make fun of me, negativity, stress, drama, waking up at five in the morning to go to work, summer, bad music and too much more.

Too much for your brain to handle? Feel free to lose some stress by checking out my work. I consider myself a good wish fulfillment writer. I do write fanfiction to please myself, but I make it enjoyable for other fans as well. However, I've been out of touch with writing for over a year now, so my newest works might look rather sloppy and unpolished, compared to some of my past work. Bear with me on this. I'm attempting to get back in the groove.


Add a Comment:
Remilia-Moonsparkles Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2015  Student Digital Artist
Are you still active?
(1 Reply)
LetEveryoneOverARip Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2014
Sorry- the Chrisrtmas present is taking longer than I thought >///<... merry Christmas ;w;...
(1 Reply)
Marrone-wolf Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2014  Student Filmographer
Happy Birthday ShadowStar! :iconcake3dplz:
(1 Reply)
eatpraylove Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy birthday! :D
(1 Reply)
Lil-Riku Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy Birthday Star!
(1 Reply)
miku-magical-chan Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I love your works.
(1 Reply)
LoruaLisset Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2014  Student Artist
Ferriswheelshipper4l Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2014  Student General Artist
Ask-Lumine Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
(1 Reply)
zawhweh Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2014  Student Artist
can do a Pokémonspe.exe creepypasta plz
TixieLix Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for faving again! ^^
SniperGYS Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013
Happy BDay!!
sapphiredragon927 Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
happy birthday~
emomage101 Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013  Student
Happy Birthday, Shadow!:iconsakura-chanplz:
ElliotxClaris Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013
Happy Birthday.
eatpraylove Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy birthday! Check my profile, I made you a thing!
(1 Reply)
TheGrazyFeather Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy Birthday :3
(1 Reply)
Ask-Lumine Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
(Happy early birthday!)
(1 Reply)
spaceboystudios Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2013
thanks for the fave, sweetheart. :3
Maguera Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks a lot for the fave, i really appreciate it =)
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